Many of us know, have known, or will know someone who is a victim of rape. If you are a friend or family member, how can you be helpful? The following are some suggestions given by experts at universities around the country, and as a professional and specialist I endorse all of them:

1. Respect a survivor’s decisions. This individual needs to regain a sense of control over their life. No matter how tempting, do not override the person’s decisions.

2. Listen and be available. Be willing to spend time talking. You don’t have to be a trained therapist. You just need to listen supportively.

3. Believe and accept. It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming the victim and suggesting what they might have done to bring on the attack. You need to believe the survivor.

4. Offer a safe place to stay or stay with the survivor. The survivor may be frightened to be alone, and having a friend or family member there can provide a sense of safety.

5. Recognize that recovery may take a long time. Each person recovers on their own time line. Avoid suggesting that the survivor should move on now.

6. Be sensitive and respectful of the survivor’s wishes for closeness and affection. Some survivors want closeness and others want distance. Ask, for example, before hugging.

7. Deal with your own feelings. You may feel anger, guilt, or other emotions about the incident. Don’t lay those on the victim. Deal with them elsewhere.

8. If you are the survivor’s intimate partner, understand the impact that sexual assault may have on sexual interactions. As an intimate partner you have an especially important role in helping them heal. You may want to go to counseling yourself, or go to couple counseling.

I hope this is helpful, and am indebted to the University of Wisconsin–Madison for much of the content here. Please feel free to contact me personally if you have any questions or concerns.